the sickness with thoughts

People don't scare me.
It's their thoughts that strike me with fear.

When things bother me and eat away at me, I push them so far in the back of my skull it stings.
It bothers me that I can't deal with bothersome things.

I carry myself with a sense of confidence because if I didn't, everyone would know how insecure I am.
Then I think, who isn't insecure?
Its humorous in terms of, if you're overly confident or utterly insecure, there's something wrong with you.

I want to have worthwhile secrets.
I want to be a mystery.
But in all reality, everyone is just a mystery to me.
Is being predictable a weakness?

I strive to be artsy with little or no talent.
But to me, that in and of itself, is a talent.

I want my words to hold significance, I want to be adored.

I guess this is where my thoughts usually end up.
This being the case, its concerns me, because most of my thoughts, aren't even for me.

I find cancer in my thoughts. Each contaminating the next like blood cells stuck in a vein.
Inescapable cancer, that no matter what I try to cure it with, spreads, further and deeper into my body.
I'm afraid to see what happens when it reaches the surface.

I'm afraid of the bruises that lie beneath my thick layer of skin.

I find justification in feeling this way when I remember everyone feels this way.
That everyone is hard on themselves.

Feeling inspired

I guess all it takes is spotify playlists filled with laid back music to get you blogging. 

Actually, I've been wanting to post on this blog for quite sometime. I feel a sense of completion getting my thoughts on paper, even if it's digital paper, at least it's not loitering in my head. 

I've been thinking about my worth in this lavish world. The significance I hold. 

Is it faulty in comparison to those around me who revel in beauty? 

I look up at the sky and wonder how someone, someone so small as I, could ever be important enough to be of worth in this world. But all in the same moment, I find the same confidence in the sky and stars as I do unimportance. 

I look up, and frankly, take in the fact that my insignificance is beautiful. I couldn't believe this were it not for so many who find themselves so boldly important for carnal reasons.

I find myself consumed in thoughts and questions as my eyes scan the dark air above me. I lay and let my my vivacious thoughts wander into "what ifs" and "why nots". I find peace in life when I realize there's something infinitely bigger than me. An infinity bigger than I could ever hope to let my vague mind fathom.  

I suppose what I'm getting at is that I find significance in insignificance. 

That something so complex as a human, especially one with so many thoughts, questions, ambitions and emotions, could exist when there is plainly something much bigger than it. I find importance in knowing that without me, and those around me, that this something bigger maybe wouldn't be so vast, so esteemed. 

And I realize all my little flaws, mistakes and fears make up my exceptional small self. And without them, I wouldn't be so vast, so esteemed. And that is how I know, that in an endless world with an endless amount of people, I'm substantial. Negativity has the capacity to engulf your surroundings but,"nothing can dim the light that shines from within."- Maya Angelou

I don't need the cape or the mask. Neither do you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed, I love me.
And not in the way you love a dead cat on the side of the road.
But a more deserving, prettier love than that.
There is one thing though.
I wish I could say my innocence hasn't become corrupt.
But it's become what is has for everyone else.
Tainted.
I watched my nephew come in the house with sad eyes the other day.
He told me, under his breath, as if he was ashamed, that the boys next door wouldn't play with him. He asked and he asked, and they ignored him. He asked one last time and they let out a "NO".
You know the worst part, the most heart-ripping, gut-wrenching part?
It's that he told me with a smile.
He opened his hurt eyes and he told me with a faultless smile.
At that moment, I wanted my painless innocence back.
Growing up sucks.
People you love decide to leave you and the ones you looked up to turned out to be liars and thieves.
People who were always there, no longer answer when you knock on the door in a desperate attempt for endearment.
You find out things about people, that you don't want to know, but they flood your ears anyway.
Your heroes diminish with age, because you find heroes don't exist. There's only one conclusion for those so called heroes.
They're a figment of a naïve child's imagination.
But I want to be a hero.
Everyone wants to be a hero.
Its the most twisted logic. 
we want to be something we don't believe in.
I'm not giving up. I won't let the lack of this human race define me. I won't let it define you, or the even ones who let me down.
Just one request.
Be someone's savior.
Open your arms, extend your heart but don't hold your breathe because this moment could pass when you least expect it. You don't know when you'll ever have this chance again.
Be the heroes you saw drown in these crashing waves called adulthood.
Have the faith I hold in the depths of my heart.
The depths that hope for something better than this.
You don't need the cape or the mask.
And neither do I.

-Kami

Take Me Back, Marty.

I remember when I cried over a boy for the first time. I had my window open and the sprinklers were going. Summer's never felt the same. It lost it's innocence after that.

I remember when I had time to read books.

I remember when the worst thing that could happen to me was a mishap on a bike and a scrape on my knee.

I remember the first time I hurt my moms feelings as i grandly intended to. When I think hard I can even hear her crying behind her locked bedroom door. 

I remember my third kiss. hardly.

I remember the first time I swore. And how a rush came over me. I've never done it since.

I remember falling in love at the top of Alpine Cemetery hill. I remember how it was cold but I could hardly tell by the way my heart burned.

I remember when I farted in front of a boy for the first time. The shock on his face is something I will never forget.

I remember the 4th of July when the neighbors came and got mad at us for lighting illegal fireworks. Why can't people just live? Light a few fireworks.

I remember when my brother ran over my bike. My dad bought me a banana split. I didn't think twice about that purple Schwinn again.

I remember when I figured out the truth in Kung Fu Panda. Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, that is why it's called the present.

I remember when I walked into Lone Peak. I felt like I belonged, like these next few years were going to be golden and unforgettable. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be, but I can't complain. I met some good people.

There's a lot of things I wish I could forget, but I don't ever want to stop remembering.

How to........

How to love yourself:

1. Believe in yourself. Believe in everything you are. Believe in your surroundings and believe nothing around you is holding you back.
2. Don't compare your greatest weakness to someone's greatest attribute.
3. Love everyone around you. When you love many, you're loved back. You can't hate yourself when everyone around you admires you.
4. Have an open heart. Feel every bright thing that engulfs you. Soak it in and live it. Love it. Inhale and exhale it. Make it your life line.
5. The most important step in loving yourself is loving what you've created of yourself, not what others have created for you.

Don't hold back. Be your own kind of original. Love yourself. I love you.

Another heartbreak

I think the sun was made to say good morning. The wind was made to brush my hair. In think the moon was meant to ask me questions.
"Do you love me?"
"The sky wouldn't be the same without you."
I think I broke the moons heart.
I think I let it down.
I think I couldn't stand the mystery so all I could do was turn it off.

I don't think it was worth it.
I regret not saying I love you. The tides have retreated. The sky isn't as bright. I think the moon's hiding from me. I can only see half of his face.
How have I even scared the moon off?

Blacked out

I think it's what we all need to do.
I'm so selfish.
so are you.
Tell me what I want to hear.
I whisper you sweet lies right back.